Back


I’m back.

I’ve been feeling so lonely. So empty. So lost.

I’m not me.

I’m not okay.

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Again


It’s starting to happen all over again.

I can feel it.

The loneliness seeping in, making me feel so hollow inside.

I don’t know what’s happening, really. I know I have people to talk to and people who care about me. But there’s still just a missing piece. I don’t ultimately have that solace that I can confide in. Even about just simple matters. Who can I talk to that will understand? Or at least give me their attention?

I don’t know how to stop this loneliness. Every time I think I have a place to go, I realize I’ll just be making an echo.

Loneliness.

What can I do?

Upset


Usually when I get upset, one of two things will happen.

Depression or aggression.

When the former happens, I become extremely withdrawn. I don’t talk to people if I can help it. I tend to feel utterly worthless, alone, and as if not a single person in the world genuinely cares about me. I suppress these feelings for as long as I can. Occasionally, it ends with me crying by myself uncontrollably.

When the latter happens, it’s as if anger boils up inside of me. I feel like I can do anything and I don’t need anybody else. I get extremely motivated to prove everybody wrong.  My energy level increases. I feel independent and completely powerful.

Determining which of these will happen depends on the luck of the draw.

-M

Worth it?


Sometimes I wonder why we even bother to have relationships of any sort with other people.

Isn’t it easier to be alone?

You have nobody else to worry about. The only one to blame is yourself. You make yourself happy.

Don’t get me wrong, the people I have in my life are great. Sometimes I simply get drained. And past experiences that I’ve had don’t exactly help these negative thoughts. But considering the society we live in, it is utterly impossible to be a loner. We must always rely on others. That’s one thing that I have become uncomfortable doing.

Maybe I’m just losing faith in humanity.

-M

 

Switch-up


Originally, I was not going to post tonight.

Then I thought I might.

But then I decided no, again.

And now I am posting.

 

I decided to switch things up a bit here. It’s been a year and a half since I started this blog, and just now decided to apply a different theme. I’ve thought about it before, but it just never felt right. Then I found this theme, and that was that. I think it was a good time to do this since I’ve really been neglecting my blog lately.

I want to start maintaining my blog more regularly again. But I think I need to make things a little different. Starting with a fresh new theme and Gravatar image. I’m considering changing my style of blogging too. Write things that are more spontaneous and upbeat, rather than dark and mysterious. Although I do enjoy that style. But to keep this going regularly, I need to write different. My life is just becoming something different that it was, I guess.

I’m not totally sure how to go about all of this though. Should I just simply write? Or maybe I should use this blog as a platform for sharing other artistic releases. Maybe photography. Maybe music. Maybe even painting. Or maybe just random tidbits of my life in some form. Any thoughts, you readers?

If anybody has some suggestions for me on what to post, or what I can do to make this space more appealing, please let me know!

It’s been good to be back for this brief moment. I feel more at home again.

-M